"My babies are my life" they said,
"Its the most amazing feeling in the world being a Mum" they said... I was under an illusion.
Part of me feels so ungrateful when saying that I do not always feel "amazing." I fantasise about painting my nails, having a long soak in the bath (candle lit) or just having a normal bra on with even a little bit of detail rather than my nursing bras! Before becoming a Mum I saw these women; scruffy buns, sporting the leggings, pushing the prams which looked neatly organised with a changing bag, clips and parasol! I saw babies that slept in prams too, and thought babies must sleep. I saw women on the breastfeeding pages and they made breasts look beautiful whilst looking so fresh faced and glamorous! The fact is- I do not believe half of what I see nowadays. I was under such a illusion.
On the other hand I read blogs where women said:
"I have not showered for days"
"I have not washed my hair for a week"
"Sleep...what's that?"
To all of the statements above I would think: "No not me! I will still make sure I shower and wash my hair- I cannot just neglect personal hygiene"
"You never know, I may have a baby that sleeps."
I also thought to myself:
"I won't use a dummy- they look ugly and are not needed"
"I won't just sit my baby in front of the TV to keep him/her occupied"
"I won't get frustrated when they cry, and cry ALL day!"
I was under an illusion!
The fact is my baby has a dummy when he takes it and I do thank the Lord for Cbeebies because at least I can attempt to wash half the pile of dishes that have been stacking up for about 3 days! and yes I love my baby dearly but I have also cried many times when he has-in utter desperation of not having a clue what he needs.
The fact of the matter is...Motherhood is tough! Its hardcore! You have to answer to your babies needs even when you are not quite sure what he/she needs. "Breast is best" So I heard! I have been breast feeding for almost 5 months now had Mastitis twice, my boy has eczema and has had 3 colds, my breasts hurt and sag but its "best" I'm told. However you feed your baby, as long as you love them and comfort them, it does not matter. As long as us Mums' have choices and it works for us and our babies then so be it.
All this being said there is something quite endearing and powerful about being a Mummy. When my son cries he can be comforted just from me picking him up and settled so quickly on the breast. I have been told often:
"Leave him to cry"
"Breastfeeding will make him clingy"
"Give him food, he will go longer"
"Give him formula maybe you cannot supply his needs"
What an illusion...
I cannot leave him to cry because I love him, he needs me and from holding him I am having a conversation with him to let him know all is ok. Actually the truth is, I have no idea if all will be ok, I have no idea what I am doing but cuddling him and comforting him helps him to relax and stay calm. That's good enough for me. As for food- yes maybe it will help him go longer but when he is ready I will feed him food- why must we rush past such a wonderful and short time in his life? He will have food for a lot longer than he will have milk! For 9 months we wait for these moments to come, we carry our baby and then when they arrive we want them hit all these milestones first, we want them to achieve highly, roll, sit up, eat! I am guilty of it too. "Oh, her baby rolled at 4months" and "she took toys from her Mum before mine did" what's the rush? In School our children will be constantly assessed to see if they are hitting their targets. If they do not reach their grades straight away they will still be good enough, they will still be wonderful in our eyes. So why should we assess them now? Should we not just enjoy them?
And yes I have given him formula and sometimes his Daddy does when I have not had a chance to pump because he has had a day of being constantly attached to me so it seems I have nothing left and I just need a break because having a baby hanging off of your boob can get exhausting! Even still he still wants to feed every 2 hours (bottle or breast), because that's his need right now! And yes today he wouldn't nap on his mat, or his bed so I lay him on my bed and held his hand and he fell straight to sleep. He can settle himself at night (he just did), he does love people and smiles and happily goes to others even though he is breast fed and spends most of his days with me! But one day there will be a time when he does not want to hold my hand anymore, when being with Mum all the time is not "cool" and when he will want all the personal space he can get. Its just a season.
There are really great things about being a Mum: my boy smiles at me and giggles even if I say "Cup of tea" in a funny voice (oh how I long to have a hot/fresh cup of tea that has not been microwaved!) He looks adorable in all these little outfits, I talk to him and he seems to gurgle back. He has cheeks that are so kissable and a body I just want to squeeze!
I feel so blessed to have birthed this baby, feed him and look after his needs all day every day. I have a new life now, its tough but everyday is different and unique. I love how much patience I have gained and how I feel love in a new way. I am grateful God chose me to be a Mummy. Though its tough, though I no longer put my needs first being a Mum is life changing. However you feed, however you parent- you know your child and you know what they need. Don't be caught up in the "Mum illusion." Its ok not to be ok, to find it hard and wonder how you are going to get through another day.
These wonderful miracle babies are worth it. To my son: I love you, when you hurt I hurt, I'm here for you. Just stay YOU! xx
Lots of love,
An imperfect Mummy! xx
