The motherhood illusion

"Get all the sleep you can" they said,
"My babies are my life" they said,
"Its the most amazing feeling in the world being a Mum" they said... I was under an illusion.

Part of me feels so ungrateful when saying that I do not always feel "amazing." I fantasise about painting my nails, having a long soak in the bath (candle lit) or just having a normal bra on with even a little bit of detail rather than my nursing bras! Before becoming a Mum I saw these women; scruffy buns, sporting the leggings, pushing the prams which looked neatly organised with a changing bag, clips and parasol! I saw babies that slept in prams too, and thought babies must sleep. I saw women on the breastfeeding pages and they made breasts look beautiful whilst looking so fresh faced and glamorous! The fact is- I do not believe half of what I see nowadays. I was under such a illusion.

On the other hand I read blogs where women said:

"I have not showered for days"
"I have not washed my hair for a week"
"Sleep...what's that?"

To all of the statements above I would think: "No not me! I will still make sure I shower and wash my hair- I cannot just neglect personal hygiene"
"You never know, I may have a baby that sleeps."

I also thought to myself:
"I won't use a dummy- they look ugly and are not needed"
"I won't just sit my baby in front of the TV to keep him/her occupied"
"I won't get frustrated when they cry, and cry ALL day!"

I was under an illusion!

The fact is my baby has a dummy when he takes it and I do thank the Lord for Cbeebies because at least I can attempt to wash half the pile of dishes that have been stacking up for about 3 days! and yes I love my baby dearly but I have also cried many times when he has-in utter desperation of not having a clue what he needs.

The fact of the matter is...Motherhood is tough! Its hardcore! You have to answer to your babies needs even when you are not quite sure what he/she needs. "Breast is best" So I heard! I have been breast feeding for almost 5 months now had Mastitis twice, my boy has eczema and has had 3 colds, my breasts hurt and sag but its "best" I'm told. However you feed your baby, as long as you love them and comfort them, it does not matter. As long as us Mums' have choices and it works for us and our babies then so be it.

All this being said there is something quite endearing and powerful about being a Mummy. When my son cries he can be comforted just from me picking him up and settled so quickly on the breast. I have been told often:
"Leave him to cry"
"Breastfeeding will make him clingy"
"Give him food, he will go longer"
"Give him formula maybe you cannot supply his needs"
What an illusion...

I cannot leave him to cry because I love him, he needs me and from holding him I am having a conversation with him to let him know all is ok. Actually the truth is, I have no idea if all will be ok, I have no idea what I am doing but cuddling him and comforting him helps him to relax and stay calm. That's good enough for me. As for food- yes maybe it will help him go longer but when he is ready I will feed him food- why must we rush past such a wonderful and short time in his life? He will have food for a lot longer than he will have milk! For 9 months we wait for these moments to come, we carry our baby and then when they arrive we want them hit all these milestones first, we want them to achieve highly, roll, sit up, eat! I am guilty of it too. "Oh, her baby rolled at 4months" and "she took toys from her Mum before mine did" what's the rush? In School our children will be constantly assessed to see if they are hitting their targets. If they do not reach their grades straight away they will still be good enough, they will still be wonderful in our eyes. So why should we assess them now? Should we not just enjoy them?
And yes I have given him formula and sometimes his Daddy does when I have not had a chance to pump because he has had a day of being constantly attached to me so it seems I have nothing left and I just need a break because having a baby hanging off of your boob can get exhausting! Even still he still wants to feed every 2 hours (bottle or breast), because that's his need right now! And yes today he wouldn't nap on his mat, or his bed so I lay him on my bed and held his hand and he fell straight to sleep. He can settle himself at night (he just did), he does love people and smiles and happily goes to others even though he is breast fed and spends most of his days with me! But one day there will be a time when he does not want to hold my hand anymore, when being with Mum all the time is not "cool" and when he will want all the personal space he can get. Its just a season.

There are really great things about being a Mum: my boy smiles at me and giggles even if I say "Cup of tea" in a funny voice (oh how I long to have a hot/fresh cup of tea that has not been microwaved!) He looks adorable in all these little outfits, I talk to him and he seems to gurgle back. He has cheeks that are so kissable and a body I just want to squeeze!

I feel so blessed to have birthed this baby, feed him and look after his needs all day every day. I have a new life now, its tough but everyday is different and unique. I love how much patience I have gained and how I feel love in a new way. I am grateful God chose me to be a Mummy. Though its tough, though I no longer put my needs first being a Mum is life changing. However you feed, however you parent- you know your child and you know what they need. Don't be caught up in the "Mum illusion." Its ok not to be ok, to find it hard and wonder how you are going to get through another day.

These wonderful miracle babies are worth it. To my son: I love you, when you hurt I hurt, I'm here for you. Just stay YOU! xx

Lots of love,
An imperfect Mummy! xx

The first weeks of being a Mummy

I am Mummy! Wow! I am not sure that it has fully sunk in and we are now 3 weeks in. My baby boy is gorgeous and I still cannot believe he is our's! I just want to love him more and more each day. First of all, the birth: Wow! What an exciting and empowering experience we had! It was nothing like I dreamed of or how I wanted it to happen but God had other plans and my body took over and was stronger than I ever knew it could be. I look back at it now with such emotion and love. After being admitted to hospital with Pregnancy Induced Hypertension at 39 weeks! (I was doing so well!) they decided to induce me. I was scared but knew it was for the best. Though our little man was not fully ready to appear and he was cosy inside me he did so well and labour progressed quicker than I imagined. It took 24 hours from when they gave me the first tablet to our boy entering this world. After they broke my waters at 9am we had very intense contractions but Ezekiel arrived at 5pm! Perfect day for our midwives who got to be with us from the beginning to the end! I only used a Tens machine (they are just wonderful- well recommended!) and although exhausted it meant I remembered the whole experience. They did encourage me to use gas and air when 9cm as our boy's heart rate was dropping and so I had to resist the pushes until 10cm otherwise it was going to end in a C section, after all the breathing techniques and just using my Tens I never wanted it to end that way. God was so good and allowed me to birth naturally. It was wonderful! A great team of midwives and my Husband by my side was all I needed. My Hubby cut the cord and both of us saw at the same time what sex we had got as they placed our boy on my chest. Breathtaking! Life since has been a daze and crazy and totally exhausting. The first night home was so difficult and I was totally sleep deprived. I am exclusively breastfeeding and this for me has been more challenging than anything else so far.  Now our boy has picked up weight and I am less sore so I know Mama's milk is working and though he is totally dependent on me and it gets so overwhelming and we have had a few things go against us which could have stopped me from feeding him we are pushing on. It is still early days but I love that I can feed him! I am in awe of how it works, how our bodies are programmed, both mine and Ezekiel's, to do this and succeed! Though I also value formula feeding and have been very close to going down that route. All I do is surrender each day, my body and Ezekiel's to God! I can say life has changed forever, I have two amazing boys, my Hubby is just amazing and very supportive. Now nothing else matters to me in this world. My desires are no longer at the top of my list. If being a mother has taught me anything so far it is how to be totally selfless and patient! Very patient. I am not sure you can ever prepare for the first weeks of motherhood! But...I am excited for what it will bring, I know each child is a gift from God and totally unique and I look forward to seeing our little man grow and develop. Thank you Lord for entrusting us with this gift- I'll do all I can!

The countdown begins...

I write again at 38 weeks pregnant and am still in awe of what God is doing in my life and that of our child. Baby Willett is still tucked up cosy in Mummy's womb and I am still getting used to the big belly and carrying around all this extra weight yet I am preparing for the end of pregnancy and the start of becoming a Mother! It still amazes me that all my organs have shifted inside me to accommodate and grow a small human, that a muscle that seemed so small now overtakes my body and my appearance and that I can feel legs, feet and a bum all wiggling inside of me. Yesterday our child was on the monitor at my most recent midwife appointment and not only did I hear their heartbeat (which by the way is one of the most amazing sounds ever!) but I also heard their hiccups through the speaker- little pops that I have felt so many times in my belly but just heard for the first time: there is a human inside me, one that is soon to come earth side! I do sit and write this blog just after 3am as the insomnia strikes again alongside the acid reflux and trapped wind, some symptoms which are now very familiar to me.  Though these are uncomfortable, though my body needs more rest, I would not change what I am doing for anything else in the world. This past week has been more difficult: I have been trying to stay motivated to write my assignments for University (I have no idea how I can/will manage being a Mummy and a student!), I have got a little "fed up" and "impatient" waiting and waiting for a sign, a pain, some progression yet I know it's predicted that I have a couple more weeks to go! Some of my friends are due to give birth after me yet are booked to have their babies before! Then I remember... this is a blessing: every movement I feel, every squirm and kick from the inside won't be happening much longer, Baby Willett won't be doing big stretches and hiccuping on the inside but rather doing so in the big, wide world! I also praise God because some women would have loved to get this far into their pregnancies and so I feel selfish moaning and being impatient. I do really want to meet our child very soon though. I want to kiss their face and hold them close, I want to love like I have never loved before so I hand the rest of this time to God whom I know is strengthening me and growing me and Baby in so many ways. I want to keep enjoying this precious time in my life and all the changes my body has and will keep going through. I want to say being a pregnant woman is challenging at times but a great way to prepare for the greater challenges of motherhood! I want Baby Willett to know that l know and love him/her though I haven't met him/her, I know his/her kicks and movements, I love it when Baby head butts me and I like to know Baby is still there and still enjoying life on the inside. I want to protect him/her in every way not just by the fluid he/she can swim in and by being all cosy in my belly but also from the moment he/she comes on to the earth I want to protect every bone in their body, I want him/her to feel loved by Mummy and Daddy and by God. I want he/she to be healthy, free to explore, discover and live. Most of all, I want the joy of the Lord to be our child's strength. I am ready now to meet our child, I am scared yet excited to birth our baby with my amazing Husband/Daddy to-be. I now return to trying to sleep and waiting for the grand arrival not knowing when or how it will happen but knowing its the most amazing and unpredictable feeling ever. Thank you God for knitting me together in my mother's womb, for knitting the child in my womb together and I trust the Lord as I enter into Motherhood and all the challenges and moments that will bring that He will keep me healthy and strong in faith to see each day in a new way through this empowering opportunity. I thank you God I have this chance and say sorry for when I don't seem appreciative or joyful. Being a woman is an amazing blessing, being pregnant is an even greater one!

My journey towards Motherhood...

So I have been meaning to write something throughout my whole pregnancy so far, I wish some of my thoughts and feelings could be documented somehow! Because WOW...what an amazing and life changing year we have had and all I can do is praise God and thank Him for where I am today.

In August I married the most humble man I know and if that wasn't enough...we went to France for a beautiful honeymoon and came back with a lifetime souvenir and an incredible blessing...our Baby Willett! 👶🏼 Our first child! One we have prayed for, one we wanted yet one we never knew would arrive so soon! What a beautiful GIFT! To this day (34 weeks pregnant!) I still find it hard to believe we have created a human, an actual living being! I won't pretend the transition and all the changes have been a walk in the park but what they have taught me is that God has a plan for our lives containing way more than we ever knew would be possible! More than we can ever imagine! The tears, the worry and utter fear of knowing we are bringing a child into this world, a world that is far from perfect with so much wrongs yet this human is so "right" I have no idea how to deal with that. But then I remember...God already knows, He has a plan, He has a way even if there seems to be no way and we are all imperfect compared to Him. He protects, He provides and so I am utterly grateful for grace.

Every day I wake with a new feeling, a new thought, about the journey I am currently undertaking and the one ahead known as Motherhood! I am frightened yet excited, I have fear yet the love I have casts out all fear! I worry for our child each day and I am totally in love with them yet I haven't met them. I know many Mum's have probably gone through this process too but it just feels so incredible that I am in awe! I am in awe of women and how we have been fearfully and wonderfully made to carry and birth children, I am in awe of men, my husband, and how he has coped with the change so far, how he provides and how he believes that all will be more than just "ok". He holds my hand and tells me I'll be an amazing Mummy! and I am doing an incredible job carrying our baby yet I just feel like I am coping and getting on with it! Then I am struck with guilt and feel so undeserving because there are so many women in bodies that are made to carry a baby yet can't! I'm sorry...but I want you to know I pray for you everyday. I pray and thank God that I am blessed enough to have this honour and that he comforts those who can't with his unfailing love because the most important relationship to have is with the Father God! So on days when my back aches, or my heartburn is in full swing, or if my blood pressure has been a little high I just praise God and thank Him that at least I get the chance to carry and give life.

Right now...I am excited to bring our baby earth side, yes apprehensive, yes not knowing what to expect, and yes praying so much for a wonderful birth! But one thing I am for sure is GRATEFUL! Grateful for the feeling of our child kicking my ribs, grateful that although I may not look my best on the outside our child makes me feel like the most important woman ever because they need my body to keep growing and developing, they make me feel so beautiful even with a huge belly because l know my belly represents them and their beauty! so I don't care how big and uncomfortable I get because it means our child is growing and developing. I am not sure I have ever been so in love yet so scared without meeting the person I love so dearly but we live together 24-7 and soon I will look into our baby's eyes and know who has been kicking me, who has made me feel this rollercoaster of emotions and who is my most precious gift from God.

I write this not to show off, as none of this was me, but rather to show what God has done and is still doing in my life! So indeed I am scared but I hold it all up to God in prayer and believe He has the master plan. I also write this because one day I want to show my child and for them to read how incredible this time in my life is and for them to know they have a real purpose, a God given one, for being on this earth and so they know I truly love them with all my heart and for them to know how utterly fabulous they make me feel as a young Mummy to be!

I cannot wait to meet you Baby Willett! Thank you Jesus! 🙏

Pre-marriage classes

Hello all, I hope you have had a great start to the week. Tonight James and I started pre-marriage classes. We believe this is fundamental before we embark on this amazing journey. We are very blessed to have a very spiritual couple leading our classes and praying through things and ministering to us. We feel so on fire tonight after such an uplifting first class. For anyone getting married or for future reference please truly consider doing these classes. We also enjoyed the lead up to our first class where James and I were given a questionnaire with regards to marriage, decisions, future, finance, children etc! We were to fill these in seperately, any of you that know us well, know we discuss everything but...we promise we only discussed the questions not the answers :) and after completion! It is a challenging thing for us but essential and God is really there for us. I have to say it's not all as rosy as it looks- we also have a huge "to do" list but we are focussing on the marriage not the day. We had a successful day buying flowers with the family yesterday :) there is more to come in my upcoming posts about the challenges we are facing and the experiences we have had so far but...be encouraged. Marriage is a beautiful thing, we are not blinded by the excitement now and we are not thinking it's all going to be perfect, we are in the real world, we know we'll get things wrong but we are just refusing to be scared because with God at the centre we know everything will work out just as He has planned...NO MATTER WHAT! For those of us who know God and those who don't let this short poem challenge you, put your names where our's are as you read:



"Marriage takes THREE to be complete. It's not enough for two to meet. They must be united in love by love's creator...God above. A marriage that follows God's plan takes more than James and Charlotte, it needs a oneness that comes only from Christ. Marriage takes THREE!"

Bride to be

Hello all and welcome to my Bridal Blog! I had an urge to create this blog for anyone wanting to follow my story as a Young Christian Bride aged 21 or for any other young brides wanting to connect and exchange stories! As some of you may know I am engaged to the lovely James Willett. We got enagaged on 12th Feburary 2015 and we will get married in August. Talk about quick planning and the wedding day approaching very soon. For some this sounds bazar for us...it's life! We follow all that God leads us to do, we are very happy and are looking forward to our marriage. Our To-Do list grows day by day but we are standing on the promises of God and being strong in our faith. Although Satan tries to attack we have him flee in the name of Jesus. I am so overwhelmed by all the support that James and I are receiving from those around us, for all that God is providing and I feel so undeserving of this amazing gift from above. All this being said, I am wanting to share the real moments and decisions of a couple planning a wedding in the space of 6 months, I want to be open and honest and I hope that our story and our journey with God inspires and renews all who read.

Blessings and love,
Charlotte Xx